The 3 C's

Choices:

   Never hesitate to make a choice for yourself, as long as you’re confident you can handle the outcome. I for one constantly take others into consideration when making choices and it tends to influence what I truly want. It’s okay to take other people into consideration, as our choices always affect others, but I’m trying to learn how to make my opinion more valuble to myself over others. I think that’s the hardest part of who we are; even though we say we don’t care about what others think, it really runs our lives, controls our choices and others have far too much influences over our own lives.

Chances:

   Take them! I am currently taking a huge chance with my life. I chose to leave home, and go somewhere where I barely know anyone, and potentially make a life for myself, even though it is starting out as just a visit. When you take chances, you learn who you are and what you can handle. You learn how to overcome your fears and doubts and you always, always come out with a new lesson at hand that you can add to your book of accomplishments. Although taking chances is the scariest thing out there, it is also the most educational, as taking chances touches on ever aspect of our lives and tests our boundaries. Sometimes taking chances can reinforce certain boundaries, adding a firmer foundation to our beliefs about ourselves, but taking chances can also be the hammer in our hands that destroys walls and barriers that we have created to protect the person we truly are.

Changes:

   Undoubtedly, changes are the scariest thing that we as humans will come up against, but they have to happen and they can be just as healthy as they can be scary. I personally do not go into a change immediately thinking it’s permanent. If you give it the right amount of time, and you don’t like it, the change back, modify it, do whatever you have to do in order to be happy, because that is what change is supposed to achieve: happiness. Face the fear of change with the comfort of stability. Own the world for yourself.

Now what?

   So, you’ve overcame the obstacles that were in front of you, did what you had to do, left behind what you had to leave behind and made do with what you had left of yourself, so now what?

   When was it enough? Did you sacrifice enough? Cry enough? Laugh enough? Endure enough pain to make the suffering sufficient to whatever fate God has planned for you? And who is to say that one day you wont be back in the exact same place you were before you battled your demons?

   Fortunately, we all have the power to control our own destiny. There are many choices in like that will lead us to the same destination. I like to think of my journey towards my destiny like my small town I grew up in. It didn’t matter what road I took, how many turns or stops I had along the way, I always ended up home. I firmly believe that our destiny is finding our home. Some people find it in being things like a stay at home mom, a loving wife, a crazy cat lady, and others do not find it until they are standing before the pearly gates waiting for final peace. No matter what you think your destiny is, there are no right or wrong choices you have to make to get there, so choosing to not allow people or things to force you back down into the deep, deep hole you are slowly walking away from is okay. Actually, it is more than okay.

   So instead of thinking “Now what?” try instead “What’s next?”. As you are going to continuously come up against obstacles and battles, you will gain tools and abilities to fight them. So what obstacle will be in your way next? Will you have to be your own knight in shinning armor? Will you have to rescue yourself? Who knows, but at least come up against these uncontrollable mishaps with a sense that you can save yourself, that you and only you can control how you feel and how you are affected by the world around you. Choose instead to be sad for those who bring you down rather than be down on yourself. Choose to find hilarity within a pointless fight, rather than hold onto anger. Choose to let go of someone who does not deserve a moment of your time, rather than holding onto them and letting them use you as a door matt.

Was I Drunk?

   I find myself thinking a lot about my most recent ex, and as it didn’t end that long ago I don’t really blame myself for reminiscing on the good old days. But apparently I must have been drunk through my good old days with said lover, because the way things ended really didn’t make it seem like we had anything good going for us at all.

   When it comes to love, never feel like you have to be sure, unless this fella is down on one knee and proposing. Make sure you’re with them because they make you happy and that you will be willing to overcome any obstacle when it comes to being with them. In my case, I wasn’t sure I was going to be with this person for the rest of my life, which is fine because I’m only in my early adult years, but I knew that it didn’t matter what came between us; until I no longer felt love in my heart for him, I would overcome any obstacle to be with him.

   Unfortunately, that wasn’t enough, and I’m slowly starting to realize that that is going to happen. You can’t always be enough for someone, and that’s where marriage gets confusing to me. How can we expect everything from just one person? Not saying I believe in having more than one wife or husband, but I feel as though we can never really be sure we made the right choice in loving someone. What we do have to be sure of, is that we did everything we knew we could do to make that person happy, and that’s what makes true love.

   I personally get a great deal out of doing things for others. I feel needed, important and I also feel a great sense of accomplishment, as if someone else could not have done what I did for him or her. Are those bad feelings? No. Was I happy? Yes. But in the end, I ended up feeling a lot of hurt that I thought could have been avoided by staying together.

   Alas, life does not work that way so when the dark cloud hanging over your head subsides, you’re allowed to take a look at what your side of it and come to terms with what happened. Maybe get a little drunk first, make your rebound or whatever you have to do, but make sure you don’t miss out on the reflection period that comes with realizations about yourself and the relationship. I for one believe that my recent lover and I could some day have a wonderful happy relationship together, which is why I’m choosing to hold on but move on as well, and if you have that hope too, don’t be ashamed of it. Cherish the good memories that you can remember and make sure to let go of all the bitter feelings of resentment we all know we are keeping close to our hearts. 

   I realize that the picture used to represent this latest blog post is probably in a more comical and negative sense used towards the actual ex, but I personally think that it can work in both contexts.

Never Give Up

   The advice “never give up” never really meant anything to me. If I wanted to give up, then I would. Simple as that. Be it school work, a hobby, whatever, my choices are my own. Unfortunately I have learned the hard way that that does not apply to everything in life, especially because I find myself giving that same advice to people.

Bad times for this advice:

-       - a relationship

-      - a hobby

-      - letting go

Good times for this relationship:

-      - life

   Now, I know that “life” is a pretty broad spectrum of subjects, but the advice can be applied in a general sense, as well as in its very basic definition. Never give up on your life. Never give up the right to breath or the right to have a heart beat. Unfortunately, the advice of never giving up does in fact have strings attached to it. When it comes to the game of life, you really can’t give up solely because of all the other people around you. Is that fair? No. But are you the only one who is stricken by this unfair concept? Absolutely not.

   I still really don’t like being told to never give up, because sometimes I really just want to. Sometimes I want to give up trying to train my rabbit to come when I whistle, sometimes I want to give up on my hobbies and sometimes I want to give up on a relationship and that’s okay. What isn’t okay is wasting everything that I really shouldn’t give up on by performing the ultimate sacrifice of giving up on life. Sometimes I feel like a zombie, I take a break from life and eat pudding while watching Netflix. I can imagine that I’m not the only one who has these days and I am most definitely not the last, but that doesn’t mean that I have completely given up.

   I think the new advice we should be giving is “don’t be afraid to take a break”. If people weren’t so afraid of taking a minute to sit down and watch a hilarious episode of The Big Bang Theory or read a wonderfully written novel, then maybe we wouldn’t feel the need to give up so easily on the things that surround us. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, and that definitely applies to everyday life.

Expectations

   Waking up has got to be one of the hardest expectations we have to meet. In the moments where we are asleep, all is at peace, and it is the one time that anyone can feel as though they have a piece of equality with those around them. Waking up is the one expectation that I don't enjoy meeting, as I am much more happier when I sleep, when I dream, than when I have to open my eyes and face the day.
   Surviving is the second expectation that seems to have such a demon attached to it. Once you get over the fact that you're awake, ripped from the simplicity of your dreams and your own mind, you are then expected to survive all that life has to throw at you, wether it is good or bad, it is an expectation that has a lot of strings attached to it. It is survival of the fittest, and those who have an easy time surviving don't get the joy of dreaming.
   I was never good at letting go , especially when it comes to anger. I have never met someone who can let go of anger as easily as we are expected to.  Anger is a strong emotion, and quite honestly I think it is one that a lot of people don't understand. The masses tend to lean more towards disappointment  rather than feeling angry, and I for one would much rather feel angry than disappointed  especially because I try to only give those I care about the power to have influence over my emotions. Not something I would advise others to do, because it doesn't work all that well, but I'm sure I'm not the only one who does this. Disappointment, to me is a much harsher emotion than feeling anger, but anger is harder for me to let go of.  I also don't enjoy letting people go from my life, as I think I need to do today, because they're starting to take advantage of all the chances I choose to give out in the run of a friendship or a relationship. Relationships are something that we need in life to gain fulfilment, but we have to have these relationships with people who disgrace the word "relationship". I've come across too many of these people in my life so far.
   Last, but not least, smiling even when you want to cry is an expectation that I think is absolutely ridiculous  especially when some people wont let you just plaster a smile on your face in the middle of a crowded room. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't, and it seems as though we let others run out lives more than we run them ourselves. I feel as though all of the expectations I have come to learn are forced upon me take away the power that I should have over my life because they are so overwhelming.
   Don't cave under the pressures of the expectations that are so cruelly thrust upon us. We all have somewhere to turn, we all deserve love, and we all deserve to be treated as we treat others. If we all took a second to remember that we are all under the same pressures as everyone else, than everything would go so smoothly around us.  We all deal with expectations in different ways, and some of us perform more fluently in some areas than others. If we stop expecting so much from others, maybe the expectations hanging over our heads will slowly disappear as well.

I want to like myself.

   At first I started looking for pictures that I could use to browse through and hopefully be able to feel the strength again that I once had. All it did was stress me out, make me wonder how I got to this point and why I let myself get here. Half the time I don't know what to do, and the other half I'm trying to create ways to better myself like writing in a journal or creating yet another blog that someone might someday read.
   I'm the only one who can say that I am not strong, and I do say it. But I can also say that I have the ability to be strong for everyone else. Although I do let stress and negativity overcome me on a daily basis, I would do anything to stop someone else from feeling that way. Words of encouragement only go so far, and I constantly find myself striving to find other ways to keep people up on these inhumain pedestals that I construct in my mind. Do these people deserve to be there? Maybe, maybe not. But do they deserve to be happy? Of course.
   I've never found that there are strength in numbers. I for one constantly feel smaller and smaller the more people are there. I never was one to enjoy attention, being the center of attention, or having someone highlight qualities that I somehow posses for the whole world to see, but people still have the ability to make me feel like i'm a centimeter tall. I fight it, and it's a fight that I continually lose. 
  Why then, do I fight so hard against other's demons whilst allowing my own to slowly creep into my mind and take over? The thought of darkness is alluring, calming and down right seductive. Sleep never lasts long enough, and I always attempt for more as if it's a piece of death that I can hold onto without harming those around me. 
  Not sure if this will ever get read by anyone or not, and who knows, maybe something I say can bring to light some things that people are running from, but the workings of my mind are something that I am only beginning to understand, and it scares me that I have so much power beneath my flesh. My mind works much harder than the one within the body of a more simple person, I can't even imagine some of the people I know having to deal with some of the thoughts that I deal with on a daily basis.
   Do you know what's comforting though? The fact that I have words. We all have words. Wether or not you can find them on a page or you are blessed enough to be able to put words into an immaculate conversation in real life, the words are still there and they hold the ability to change someone's life. Words have certainly changed my life, even after I knew I had a passion for them, especially when it comes to reading some of the brilliant novels I have come across in my day. Using words and finally saying the things that scare me the most out loud is probably the reason why I have the ability to write down anything at all. My demons were eating away at me silently, as the fake girl I managed to construct lived her every day life. Little did I know that I would someday have to face the tough choice of living or dying at my own hand, as I'm sure many people have unfortunately had to do so, and just saying it out loud to someone was what gave me the tools I needed to battle the demons that were taking over my mind.
   Now, mind you, I clearly have some work to do with eliminating the "fake" girl and finding the real one in here somewhere, and I'm sure that some of the people I now call friends may not like her, but I'm sure I will like her. And for once, I want to like myself.